Every action of every person, whether it is what they say, what they do, or how they behave, is innately based on a need they have. That need is so deeply wired in them, that they might not even be aware of it, and might be acting on instinct alone.
This is where problems begin to arise. Because our instincts are conditioned over years by our environment and our experiences, they often fail to align with our actual needs, and instead mal-align with our expected or perceived needs.
This is how harmful, dependent, and addictive habits are formed. By an insidious cycle of ignorance and misinterpretation of our own needs and the resulting mis-actions to inefficiently fulfil those false needs.
Example 1:Â Let's say I am feeling a deep sense of loneliness in my day-to-day life. My mind automatically misinterprets it as a need for people. So, a little too desperately, I make attempts to find people to be with. Literally anyone would do, even those who might be toxic for me and detrimental to my growth. This is because I am listening to my mis-aligned instinct that is telling me that I need to surround myself with people, pronto!
But the truth is that loneliness isn't a lack of people. It is instead a lack of being understood and accepted. We can surround ourselves with a lot of people and still feel as lonely as before, if not more. Why is that? That is because people we have chosen have failed to understand us and accept us the way we are. In fact, it is even more confusing because our actions (being with people) are not bringing about the result (not feeling lonely) promised by our ill-guided instinct.
So, here, my hidden and true need is to be understood and accepted, and my usual solution of surrounding myself with and pleasing people– in an attempt to be liked– clearly doesn't work and is in fact, in all likelihood, really harmful for me. Now that I am aware of this, I can take better measures to correct my thinking and my behaviour. First, the understanding and acceptance I so desperately crave, I can give to myself. I can work and begin to understand myself and my goals and my dreams and my needs. Then, I can work on fulfilling those needs in a healthy manner rather than worrying about what people think of me. I don't need to please anybody. Once I have done enough work on myself, I will be able to find the right people in the future (if I want) who will actually love and accept me the way I am. And even if I don't find the right people, I will still be able to manage my loneliness by focusing on things that are important to me. Because, in the wake of my heightened self-awareness and self-compassion, I will always know that there are worse things than being lonely. I will always know that my loneliness never truly needed people, it just needed me.
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Example 2:Â Let's say I am feeling a deep sense of boredom with my day-to-day life. So my mind automatically misinterprets that as a need for something new and fun, whether it is new people or people I haven't talked to in a while, or something new to watch or something I can watch again, or tasty food or anything else that can act as an immediate stimulus for my bored brain. So, I immediately look for these things. Over-filling my time with people, food, shows, etc., providing cheap and easy doses of stimuli to my brain. This is because my mis-guided instinct is demanding me to provide myself with quick entertainment, so that I don't have to feel boredom at all, which can be extremely painful and anxiety inducing.
But the truth is that boredom is an essential and a very necessary tool in our lives if we want to reflect and understand ourselves and if we want to pursue deep personal goals. We can bombard our mind with convenient and comfortable stimuli endlessly now-a-days, but that is how addictions and dependencies (whether behavioural or otherwise) are formed. Such amounts of indulgence lead to a build-up of tolerance towards these cheap sources of pleasure so we end up needing more and more. And resistance to these dependencies lead to withdrawal which can be extremely painful and debilitating. And by the end of the day, we still don't feel truly satisfied. And while we were over-indulging, our mental and physical healths have deteriorated drastically. Oops!
So, in this example, my hidden and true need is to understand myself and figure out what I want to do with my life. What skills and things do I want to learn? What goals do I want to pursue that are meaningful to me? How to go about strategizing and planning the way forward so I can make consistent efforts and turn my wildest dreams into a reality? There's a lot to be done, and boredom helps me figure out what is truly important and meaningful to me and how to go about achieving it. Constantly surrounding myself with time-consuming, energy-draining, addictive stimuli (people included) is not going to help me live the life I actually want to live. Constantly bombarding myself with cheap pleasures is not going to help me feel true and earned pleasure, happiness and satisfaction.
Now that I am aware of this, boredom isn't as painful to me. I am actually able to use it to form good habits and routines and consistently learn and create things to great effect. And even if I falter sometimes (which is only natural) I will always know that true pleasure is earned through effort and pain. I will always know that boredom is not my enemy, but actually an ally.
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Now, how does empathy and understanding come into play here? It's simple, really.
Our empathy is always based on our willingness and our ability to understand ourselves and other people. This means that we need to be self-aware and self-compassionate first, and then accepting and compassionate towards others.
Naturally, false or mis-perceived needs are counterproductive to self-awareness. Meaning, we need to think, reflect, and determine our own true needs on which we base our actions. Done well, we'd be surprised how many times we find our actions to be misaligned with our true needs. Then we need to alter our actions to properly and effectively fulfil those needs. This is how we build self-awareness, self-compassion, self-care, and self-satisfaction.
The second step is to understand other people's needs (at least of those that are important to us) by providing them with a safe and judgement-free environment with us to explore and understand their own hidden needs.
When we do this well, three things happen:
1. Other people become more self-aware and self-compassionate, and capable of making better decisions and taking well-informed actions.
2. Instead of misunderstanding others, and consequently judging them or mis-guiding them, we become better equipped to actually help them if they so require. We become a reliable and a trustworthy support system for them instead of being just another person to avoid or keep at a distance.Â
3. We begin to strengthen our bond with others, since both we and they are now more self-aware and accepting of others. We become each other's confidants and support and deepen our relationship.
Example 3:Â Let's say I have a friend or a family member, who doesn't like to keep their phone on them all the time. In fact, they are only reachable from noon till evening, and are thoroughly unreachable at other times. Now, my usual instinct is to argue that: (1) that's not how things are normally done, and (2) what if I am hurt or need help at the times that they are unavailable?
When we analyse both the arguments carefully, it becomes clear that I have completely ignored what their need is. In fact, I am (1) invalidating their reasons and choice for acting that way, (2) judging them by calling their behaviour abnormal, and (3) manipulating them into feeling guilty for ignoring my possible need.
Do you see the problem? I did not bother to ask them why they behave the way they do? I am completely disregarding their needs while ignorantly emphasising my own. If I had bothered to ask them and tried to understand their reasons, maybe I could have accepted their choice or could have suggested a compromise that they might have been open to.
Turns out that the reason they are unavailable via phone for such amounts of time is because they follow a very well-planned routine of physical, mental and creative activity. They are trying to build better habits and improve their sleeping patterns. They are trying to function better and create things. They are trying to become the best version of themselves. The version that can do all the things they want to do. And being available and accessible to people all the time gets in the way. It doesn't mean they don't care. But they have decided to prioritise themselves and their needs, because no one else is going to. I certainly didn't.
Club this with the fact that millions of dollars have been spent to make our phones super-addictive and attention-zapping. Meaning, if we aren't careful, they will rule our lives. In my example, my friend or family member are trying not to let themselves be ruled by technology and cheap and addictive sources of stimuli. They are trying to earn their pleasure through pain. They are trying not to be tethered to the world constantly in the way so many of us are, lest it destroy their creative soul.
Now, once I am aware of these reasons, I can see why they would choose to do this. They are trying to do and be better in a world that is designed to constantly and methodically tempt them into doing and being worse. They are trying not to let their attention be a commodity for others to exploit, whether for making money or to fulfil their own needs. I can see that they have needs that matter to them too.
I start to see that my arguments, too, are fallible. (1) Just because something isn't how things are normally done, doesn't mean it's wrong. Most of us behave in super-detrimental ways in today's world. Normal, i.e. something that is done my majority, isn't good or desirable or even an acceptable standard. (2) Just because there's a minute possibility that I could be hurt or need immediate help, they are supposed to give away so much of their attention and well-being? And make no mistake, the possibility is minute. If it isn't minute, then I am definitely being deliberately reckless. So, isn't it my responsibility to be careful instead of demanding that everyone should always be available to help me? And in any case, they haven't refused to help me. If I need some help, I can reach them at the times they are available. We almost never have emergencies. And if I am in an emergency, I can reach someone who can reach them immediately, such as people who live with them. If not, I have so many other people in my life (as I have bragged so many times) to ask for help. I am not totally dependent on one person alone. So why do I need them to be constantly available? Why do I need them to sacrifice so much of their time, attention and well-being for me, when I can't even be careful enough to keep myself safe, so they don't have to worry? Am I really that careless and incompetent? You see my point?
And then, (3) the guilt tripping. I am making them feel bad about their choices, when all they are trying to do is function and be better in a chaotic world. I am not giving them a choice. I am basically saying, 'Either you do what I want, or you're a bad person.' Intellectually they might understand that I am being baseless. But knowing someone thinks of you as a bad person always takes an emotional toll. I am doing that to them. Guilt-tripping is a huge problem in today's world. It is manipulative and cruel. And borne out of exactly the problem I am enumerating. A lack of empathy and understanding.
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In conclusion, this way of exploring, understanding, and respecting our own and each others' needs, while prioritizing ours and not ignoring others', is a simple road to build a healthier, empathetic and meaningful social and personal environment. If this doesn't build a better, safer, and an emotionally intelligent world, then I doubt anything can.
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