I can't think of a way to explain this one without a substantial personal context, so please bear with me.
From the age of eight till adulthood my experience of my childhood had been that of a very emotionally abusive and neglectful nature, pretty much on a daily basis. Such prolonged and repeated trauma left deep scars in my psyche that stunted my emotional, personal and social growth. I still sometimes find it difficult to navigate all of them, especially the last one.Â
Now, when I went to college in a different city, I was relieved to have left behind such an unsafe and unpleasant place. Unfortunately, in my exceptional relief, my subconscious mind very naively assumed that it would be safe for me in my new environment, and that I would make genuine friends. That's not exactly what happened.
The social skills I possessed were inadequate and I drastically lacked interesting or impressive traits. I was boring, weird, creepy, awkward, and at times, quite unpleasant to be with. Simply speaking, I was extremely unlikable. Due to this I hopped around from group to group, but was unable to find the kind of emotional connections I needed. I wasn't even aware that that's what I needed, let alone know how to cultivate them.
Ultimately, I settled into a group where people were somewhat tolerant of me. And just being able to be tolerated was a thousand times better for me than being friendless and alone. And so, the cycle of abuse began anew. It was subtle at first. But because of my inexperience with people and ineptitude to understand, love and protect myself, I wasn't able to draw boundaries that would have saved me. Slowly, over years, it became worse and worse, practically as bad as it had been at home. In fact, in some ways, this was much worse– at home I had only one abuser and several ignorant people, but here I had multiple abusive ones. It was like I was actively teaching people to mistreat me.
I like to think that in an understanding and caring environment I would have healed. But in such an unsafe and toxic environment I just kept becoming worse. I kept becoming more and more toxic myself. Even more creepy. Even more loud and unpleasant.
The funny part is, that when we become toxic (for whatever reasons) we aren't toxic only to the people who are abusive towards us. We become toxic to everyone. So that's how it was. I was toxic to everyone. Even the people who were actually nice and kind to me and could have given me the kind of healing space I didn't know I needed. I was certainly less unpleasant to them, but unpleasant none the less.
And it took me years to realise that I was in an abusive environment. It took me years to realise that the people who were closest to me and I spent most of my time with were abusive to me. Realising this pattern actually made me feel better. Because I have wondered a lot over the years why I kept becoming worse? I finally had an answer. But soon I kept wondering why it had taken me so long to realise this? And then it hit me.
The thing about abusive people is that:
1. They aren't abusive to everyone. They become abusive to people who are low-willed, who have low self-esteem, and who are generally very bad at protecting themselves or drawing boundaries, like I had been. Also, because their behaviour towards us is an exception, rather than the rule, we start thinking that we are bad and deserve their disrespect, which aligns nicely with our hateful self-regard.
2. They aren't abusive all the time. In fact, a lot of the time, they are actually quite nice and caring. Which is how we become enticed to stay in their company and even subconsciously convince ourselves that that is their true nature, and not the cruel, abusive one.
Certainly, I could think of a few people who mistreated me, say, 90% of the time. And surely, I distanced myself from them quickest, once I developed a modicum of self-preservation. And of course, I had a lot of evidence to support that. 90% worth of evidence.
Then, I could think of a few who were abusive to me, say, only 20% of the time. It didn't even occur to me to distance myself from them. It took me years upon years more to do that. I can see now how insidious their mistreatment had been. Funnily, their abuse did even more damage because I kept relying on them and did not distance myself from them. It took me much longer to see the evidence. Because 20% worth of evidence is kinda meagre compared to 80% worth of fun, care, and kindness. But make no mistake, it was still very damaging. All the care and kindness in the world cannot set off the smallest of abuse. Please note an important distinction here. We all hurt and mistreat people here and there. But abuse is repetitive mistreatment. All the kindness in the world cannot set-off that repetitive mistreatment. A one-off hurt can probably be set-off by subsequent care and kindness, if done properly.
Moreover, even when we confront our abuser about their abuse, they are quick to cite those 80% of times they are nicer and not own the rest 20%. That's only natural. No one wants to feel like they are a bad person. And they aren't. But almost everyone is capable of abuse, if we let them. There are only a few rare people in this world who, even if you're the most submissive person in the world, won't take advantage of you.
So, there you go. This is the paradox of Abuse. To summarise: (1) abusive people are not abusive to everyone, and (2) they are not abusive all the time.
To conclude, the point is, that it is our responsibility to be vigilant against someone's abusive behaviour even if it is set-off by their kindness. It is our responsibility to not tolerate even 1% of abuse towards us. It is our responsibility to protect ourselves and do our best to not become abusive ourselves.
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